Love Boat, Season 2, Episode 14 … (12/16/1978)


“Hey, how you guys doing?”

“We couldn’t be better Isaac, we’re part of first wave pedophile/MAP normalization … we carry around little dolls, and make sexualized jokes … and there’s a laugh track.”

(cue laugh track)

“Damn girl, you rocking it, Dynamite!”

“Yes … I and my demon have pledged ourselves …”



I am the rumpous queen …

I am the gormilock whore …

I wear my womanly leisure suit, pant-suit matching, REVLON?



(you gave me a nasty little ventriloquist’s dummy)

(a barren life)

(a feminist nightmare of washed up dreams, and vodka parties for one)


“Sure, I’m the Medical Officer on the Love Boat … Gopher my man … but I’m a man … and I made some home brew roofies last night …”

“Wow … you gonna go to the Lido Deck?”

“Fuck man … I’m gonna get me one them twins … maybe both them … tie them up in the anchor hold … man …”

“Wow … just wow.”


“Hi, my name is Judy Butt-footie, and this is my fiance Gary Gayman …”

“Yeah baby, I’m feeling it …”

“And we’re here to hang out and have sex and drugs until we get married, on the same day as my twin sister … who is ALSO going to be coming on this cruise? … crazy.”

“Wooo baby … I’m the Medical Officer … I’m gonna have to CHECK YOU OUT!”

“We’re gonna gaslight our respective future husbands, as a kind of ‘funny skit’ where lying is cool.”

“Yes … that baby … that right there …”

(and the Medical Officer stands there, meditating, next to Gopher his toady)


Usually, the “Doc” and “Gopher” mix up homemade roofies the night before the guests arrive on the “Love Boat” … they stake out some cabins … they have their “kits” … they look for young college age flesh … that’s the Love Boat …


“Congratulations Julie or Judy or Butt-footie … you get to go with your fiance to a gang massacre in romantic Puerto Vallarta …”

“Will we get to see murder?”

“Lots of wanton lustful murder …”

“This is going to be so romantic.”


“I am delighted to tell you I just scheduled you guys for that special island where NO WAY do they ever drug you … and kill your husbands … and harvest your husband’s organs … and then sell you to the dudes in Dubai … for $45K a piece … and you guys are $1M a piece … best case …”

“Captain … you did that for us?”



In the 1970’s?

The “single dad” was the “single mom” of Burt Reynold’s stunt men …



Hi …

I got that Ted Bundy smile …

I can see into your wretched Julie soul …

I can see into that monstrous Julie hole …

Your mind is filled with parasites and worms …

But the Love Boat is your cesspool …

The love you have here? – looks like hate to me.


Hi, I’m Julie …

I’m 2nd Wave Feminist woman who seeks to manipulate your mind using standard Freudian-based mind control neuro linguistic bullshit …

I’m going to screw with you, and break your heart …

You will shake your fist at God, and I will laugh.

I am Julie.


“Once you roofie the husband, and steal his money? – I’ll take the kids and sell them to that guy in Dubai …”

“Yeah … fine.”

“Something wrong?”

“You ever think that doing all this Satanic mind fuck shit is wrong?”

“Nah baby …”


My name is Angela …

I serve you drinks …

My name is Angela …

I was roofie’d by the Medical Officer … everyone loves him … everyone cares …

My name is Angela …

I am a slave on the Love Boat …

My body is bused, for 50 cents a day …

My mind is filled with drugs …

I don’t get no hugs …

My name is Angela …

The Love Boat is Hell.


I’m Isaac, I’m not here to kill you.

I am ISAAC, I’m not here to THRILL YOU.

I tell little jokes.

I’m always broke.

My wife is away …

My friends think I’m gay.

But I’m black, so you fear me, you won’t go near me.

Because I’m black, you laugh at my jokes, because you’re afraid I’m gonna slit your throat.


I fuck Angela.

I use her body for my pleasure, this is my black-revenge.


“The captain brought the BLUE METH!”

“I love this BLUE METH!”

“Look at him go!”

“I’m going to make much money off this guy … selling my blue meth that I cook with engineers down in the engine room …”

Captain Stubing,

you’re a fuck …

You drive that boat like a fat old truck …

You have the smell of rancid old wine …

It’s time Captain … it’s time for you to DIE!


“The key to first wave pedophile normalization are cute little dolls … you say dirty things …”

“Like what?”

“Like funny stuff about my hand being up your butt … like that …”

“So sexualize the toy, and transfer that to normalization of MAP …”

“Yes …”


“Wow … you look great Julie …”

“Yeah, you look hot as fuck Julie …”

“I’m getting ready to use 1st generation NAZI mind control techniques on that dude with the kids …”

“The two kids we’re selling to the guy in Dubai?”

“Yes … that fucker.”

“Then what …”

“I’ll have next gen sideways sally sex, and kill him while having sex, and then videotape and sell to 3rd wave lesbians who like lesbian style snuff …”

“That’s great …”

“Yeah … all part of my 8th wave feminist-neo-stalin-satanist cabal …”



“Where’s the PCP you were gonna sell me Miss Julie?”

“It’s right here sweetie …”

“… that link you sent me to was scary …”

“Yes …”


They lurk on the Lido Deck …

They hunt the farmer looking for whores …

They steal the jungis-meat from the wary traveler …


“Yeah Doc?”

“You gonna take the bodies apart in your cabin?”

“Yeah doc …”

“You ever get tired of the killing?”

Gopher just thinks about the taste of the hot blood on the blade of his knife.


Look into my demon eyes …

See my heart is filled with flies …

I am the “cruise director”? – of your defeat.

The rotten wheat lay on the ground of my dried up heart.

But I will use mind control to ruin you.

I am Julie.

I will break your heart, kill you.

You see, having sex is like riding a bicycle …

The spokes get all wore out …

Rust and dirt and bugs and grime collect around the seat cushion …

There is mildew in the crevices …

You see …

Can’t you see?

Riding a bike is like having sex.

Julie: “I want to be your bicycle.”


“You and your sister are great …”

“Thanks Gary …”

“I mean, I kinda want to do both of you … but I know that’s wrong …”

“Wow … that’s great Gary …”


“So what you’re saying is …”

“yes …”

“That first wave normalization of pedophiles involved using toys, dolls, dummies and puppets, and to do what again?”

“We sexualize the relationship with the child like doll or dummy … this transfers it, makes it intersectional.”

I drink the blood of the harlot kings, the greedy old bats that live next to the wharf …

I feed on your fear and your angst and your hate.

I mutter little words, and talk to a tiny world.

My dummy is smarter than you …

My dummy is smarter than me …

He bides his time.


Are you RACIST?



I have a mustache and an affro …

I make drinks, I call poison … I’m not being ironic.

I watch you and your family …

I make plans for your children.

The color of my skin means nothing …

(because my heart is black, I am dead)

“Where has Isaac taken my children?”

“Jack …”

“I mean it bitch!”

“Jack … Isaac took your kids on a boat ride … to Pirate’s Key … Captain Stubing has a pick up …”


“Jack … if you calm down and do exactly like I say you might see your kids again …”


“What are you doing?”

“Practicing the Satanic rites described in that book Captain Stubing gave me …. after I bought 4 ounces of crystal meth from him …”

“The blue meth?”

“Yeah baby …”

“You gonna screw me hard?”

“You know it …”

“I love you honey.”

We play with puppets …

We tell funny jokes …

We summon demons that whisper Anthony Hopkins ideas into our wormy meat caverns …

Our eyes are bloodshot from whiskey and bare knuckle fights with pimps and strippers …

Look at this life of calumny, death.

My dummy whispers into my ear …

he tells me to take her …

he tells me to chain her …

he tells me to tie her up and place her in a cage labeled FEAR …

go get a beer …

there’s no one here …

but me and a dummy and my own jaded mind.

(a queer kelp smell)



“Yeah …”

“You awake …”

“Now I am bitch.”

“I think the only way we can be happy is to lie to our husbands.”

“Yeah, the main message here is: lying to your husbands is how you fix problems … and it’s funny and cute … and no one gets hurt.”


“Judy … what if we marry our husbands … murder them … take their money … and then sell their organs to Isaac and Captain Stubing?”

“That’s a good idea.”

“I love you sister.”

“If we kill them, we have to agree to a suicide oath …”



By this point in the show …

You should already know …

The Pacific Princess is burning the ancient woods, the roots, the chunks of long pig too stringy for the workers …

Bodies are tossed into the furnace …

Bodies are used to build steam, for the cruise.

They size you up before disembarking at Puerto Vallarta.

They look you up and down for lesions and sores and boils and jaundiced eyes and any indication that the “flesh is bad”.

The well dressed men are heading to the butcher shop.

Isaac smiles, awaits your death.


“What’s wrong Doc?”

“I don’t know Gopher … sometimes I get tired of killing …”

“Want some of this PCP candy the Captain made … it’s like candy corn, but with PCP …?”

“Sure … maybe that will help.”

I laugh …

My laughter is so funny.

I am watching one of Captain Stubing’s snuff flicks …

It shows a man, slowly drowning.

His body is being picked on by crabs.

He screams for those he loves.

I laugh, but I am empty.

I laugh, because I laugh with the Devil.


What do I think about, when I’m alone?

Do you think I believe there is some boyfriend, at the end of a phone?

He’s gonna call me?

He’s gonna love me?

Or am I going to live a life of screams and twisted bodies dumped at sea … late at night … weighted down by remorse?

What are my dreams?

If I could see past the scars, past the cuts, past the needle marks?

My dreams? If I could see beyond the event horizon of my own tragedy and evil?

The demon said “do you want to escape?”

And I ran to another dungeon, a different one, a dead one.


Good evening mind freaks …

Have you had your cocaine?

Are you done eating the dead things that were scraped off the sidewalk of my heart?

You should finish the grizzle, it contains the fiber of MONDOR!

(within are garbage can wishes, and monkey-rat memories)


“I got my kids back …”

“Sure …”

“I found Isaac, I found the cove where you were hiding them.”

“Crap …”

“Isaac doesn’t know it yet, but he’s dead.”


“We had a great cruise … we figured out first wave MAP normalization and how to inject pedophile metaphors into mass media …”

“It’s really great.”

“Look at what we’re doing …”

Gopher knows the score …

… we’ll just kill our husbands on Fantasy Island …

“you ever …”

“I know …”

“you ever try to kidnap my kids again …”

“I know Jack …”

“I’ll kill ya …”