LSR Notes: 2/20/21

Race war is stupid … but …

a race war is stupid … but if EVERYONE insists on having a race war? I am Eastern K’lebish of the Ginger Tribe of Celtic Mind Benders … I wield an ax of sacred gold and I have whiskey on my breath 24/7 so I’m always belligerent and super mega pissed off about something.

During the race war? I will ride a metal horse made of old batteries and TESLAs that exploded … from their batteries …

I will be covered in cougar grease and my women will wear only leopard print bikinis … all year round.

There will be a massive cannon built in my honor.

When the time of JOOMBIS comes, and the great PEACE is made between all the races left alive? All 899 races? I will lead a small troop of highly trained ninja janitors. We will assault the main building using knives and subterfuge and we will be whiskey drunk …

HEAR IT NOW!

After the last of the H’eblatabic people are shunned and the shamans of L’eer are set ablaze? Then we shall know the final destiny of all squirrel’y races guilty of multiple interlocking causal time crimes and other bullshit involving antimatter and sex with dolphins addicted to coke …

ALL OF THE RACES are guilty of time-crimes. A time court will be held on Jupiter, the last of the 7 T’orgon priests will bring forth the busty witch hordes … the busty witch hordes will cover themselves in ancient oils and herbs. They will wrestle in the ceremonial jello pool.

After the 17th Universal Race War? When T’legmus the Rector held forth against the fornicator tribes of D’ismus-9? We all told ourselves … “this will be our last race war …” But 60 MINUTES LATER … J’engus-H’roo of the Herpetic Jedi Elite took the life of Jar Jar Binks.

I remember people saying “everyone loves Jar Jar” and “who would ever want to kill that fucker?” … But by the end of the 22nd Universal Race War? – everyone knew and understood WHY JAR JAR BINKS had to DIE … He had been dealing with the ferret-badgers of Y’orgen Town …

When the time of cleaving came, and the Y’orgen Town residents refused to give up their helmet-juice? We had to descend upon them and cut them to pieces and steal their hams and their beer and their ham-flavored beer … and all their bacon and gold and silver and knives and coke.

… you see …

RACE WARS are a LOT like DORITOS …

You can’t have just ONE RACE WAR …

You have to have vengeance schemes buried in eternal pain cycles that lead to more vengeance and drunkenness and the use of chainsaws to shape the mind of man.

We will all eat the gruel.

During the 56th UNIVERSAL RACE WAR? Emperor Boort led his army against the ANTIFA-BUTT HAGS of Sector-23 … After 8 days of battle, over 56,000 k’leben folk were turned to fornion-oil and used to grease the tracks of a brand new Y’ubian TANK designed by MASTER GLUVIOUS THROG.

MASTER THROG had engineered a super trebuchet for launching piles of frozen shit at other races in the multi-colored racial sectors of V’rem, O’lapia, and Aargh … all of them were destroyed by massive pain and flames and knives and frozen pain knives and other delectable tools.

Another thing we learned by the end of the 88th Universal Race War? – you need COKE … a LOT of coke to keep race wars going. With enough cocaine? – you can have really lit as fuck race wars … not enough cocaine? – race wars get lame and boring and end with little death.

You do understand that a “race war” is necessarily like Dungeons and Dragons for real? Real life … just as racist as D&D … more racist than STAR WARS …

When we arrived at the Mountains of T’loss? – my first gird-herder told me of dusky people with bats and leeches.

My t’rogen-clan of munch-beasts will hunt t’reblin folk in the forest of E’el … We will have a feast of n’orken, and the yellow colored freaks of sector-21 will be held accountable for their crimes against condiments and specifically ketchup … We will drink their bile-juice …

I want to be the feast jergin … the one that is lathered in ghost-spice and hormel-wine and cheese-curdles from chest milk dairies … I will dance the 25 dances of delight as I am fired at by bitch-maidens wielding Ruger 10/22 carbines … All will be amazed at the race war.

All french bulldogs are dead by the end of the 19th Universal Race War. The frenchies were deemed edible by Emperor Gooptus of Region-2 hordes … he said “all frenchies must be deep fried for racial justice power” … and so it was done … and the frenchies were french fried.

The MAIN RACE WAR hasn’t even started yet?

(and I’m already bored)

IMPORTANT!