Debate 2020: Kitsap County Road Line Commissioner

When: September 30th, 2020, 7-9 PM

Where: Bogimbly’s Old Timer Pub off of Bo-plimptock Street, in Bremerton. Candidates will be phoning into the pub because of the “mist problem” that Kitsap County has … no one likes to talk about it … they will be watching their crops … children … livestock and cats.

Why: Because Kitsap County needs to elect a new Road Line Commissioner. This role is critical to interurban safety and general maintenance and the Canadian geese. This guy (or gal) … this “person” needs to check and make sure the white, red, yellow, and other colored lines are visible, on the road, at night, with low beams on … and they can’t be drunk while doing this.

Sponsored By: The League of Women Drunks, Old Kyle’s Yanckus Ale, The Lodge House Restaurant serving home style coyote …

Rules and Questions: https://dfgtc.org/docs/20200930_Kitsap_RLC_Rules_and_Questions.pdf

Candidates:

Candidate and debate opponent Number 1:

Democrat – Fonseca Collins of Shad Harbor, WA.

Beautiful Shad Harbor … a place best known for being small enough to be easily missed while driving, and easily forgotten once you drive 10 feet outside of town.

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Fonseca runs a grug-clinic for local progressives.

She is a former Evergreen State College professor of Lesbian Trib History and Blitch-theater.

She wants to re-invent the RLC role and help to protect Canadian geese … she fears for them … an ancient witch named T’rolya, 67,000 years old … talks to her … whispers shit in her ears about geese … and killing people. But she’s ok …

(ok)

Also … don’t ask her about the “blue tailed kettle sparrow hawk” …. she campaigned to save it from extinction … she campaigned tirelessly for 15 years … starting when she was in college … there is no evidence it ever existed.

Candidate and debate opponent Number 2:

GOP – Jed MAGA (he had his last name changed to MAGA) of Shunk, WA … home of the Fighting Gooey-ducks …

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Jed likes bacon and fireworks and pit bulls and properly registered and licensed NRA certified firearms … he is sometimes contacted by bigfoot … but he thinks it could be Michelle Obama … this happens in his sleep, after drinking heavily … like a case of Elysian “Space Dust” …

He is proud to declare “I don’t even know what school is” … this statement reflects the amount of schooling he’s had.

Jed is an ex-UFC fighter, well known in Bangkok, and he invented a new fighting style called “frook” … a mixture of Brazilian grappling, kung fu, and hill billy style wrestling.

He makes a living carving fake Coastal Salish artifacts, that he sells to the rubes. He says that’s ok … he claims he is 1/200th Salish … ask him about the “bone pool”.

He is haunted by many ghosts …

The Moderator:

Commodore Drex Moore, the Last Known Commodore of the Seaman Freaks of the old Tacoma waterfront … he killed some guys there once … he can never return …

The Seaman Freaks are a crew of jaunty men … and women of poor stature.

Drex plays the piano at Bogimbly’s Old Timer Pub, badly. He was told, last minute, that he’d have to moderate this dread thing … he knows the sea, and women, and gold, and adventure.

Drex has been accused of murder 10 times, zero convictions thus far …

He can tell you of busty adventures with scantily clad women, navigating the waves and wind of the Juan de Fuca Strait …

He was Master Chief on the Princess Marguerite for many years … until the accident in 1997, when all those goddamn Canadians died.

His eyes are bloodshot and yellow …

His heart is shriveled and morose.

He is happy to moderate this debate.