The Onion King

The Onion King is the symbolic representation of the state. Successful Onion Kings are lazy, stupid, and do nothing … really … the best Onion Kings? the ones that last the longest? Like “Yorbozoid the Luxurious”? They turned doing nothing into an art form, and simply accepted their voluntary donations … and drank beer … and didn’t fuck with people.

As long as there is an Onion King, there is no ceremony of the Sky Hawk Shaman.

But if an Onion King dies or is rejected by the Unicorn Masters (levels 3-7) then a NEW Onion King must be selected.

The selection is by unanimous consent and voluntary participation – anybody can be Onion King … not a bad gig … as long as you don’t fuck with people …

The selection “week” is broadcast’d live …

People get to watch potential unicorn masters competing, vying, and even swimming with sharks, per Dakuwanga

During this time, the unicorn masters drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes and toss dynamite at the Washington Monument, per the ritual, in the hopes that one day that dread satanic monument might be toppled … after decades of tossing dynamite at it …

ALL SAY TANGATA MANU!

On the final day, a vote is taken, and the winner of the unanimous vote becomes Onion King … until he dies or he fucks up and becomes a dick/bitch.

And, of course, if you SUCK as Onion King? – you will become Sky Hawk Shaman.

What if no Onion King is selected? – glad you fucking asked.

There will be no state, no laws, no nothing …

When there is no Onion King? – once a year, in January, a great festival is held where people get to toss dynamite at the monument on Mt. Rushmore …

This is the Onion King …

All say “tangata manu”.