THAT’S NOT CREDIBLE! (or: you a liar) 1988 reunion special …

She was the Haglamite wench,
she road a shark and hunted cowboys.

She was the last mistress to Jaol …
Her belly is filled with acid.
Her brain is confused by echoes …

She remembers old overdoses,
and dark alleys,
fumbling and greasy hands,
her body being used by many.

“When they told me my baby wouldn’t live because I didn’t have any money? – that bothered me a little … and then I went to the mall.”

They will serve you walrus pizza.

They will serve you the bowel of apes.

They will harvest eel meat from the eels that live deep inside the dark, murky sea …

KFC?

They have chicken?

Or is it the meat sack GMO beast that hangs lonely in some warehouse in New Jersey?

(yum)

He bought me in Thailand, my family had been killed by the GIs … my mother raped.

I was left in an orphanage …

I heard the bombs fall, as I leapt to my feet …

I knew Pol Pot was coming, I couldn’t keep on running.

I sold myself for food, for a home, for a chance.

And now I stand here, with this fucking apple on my head.

They found him wandering the streets …

“Hey old Chinese man, you want to make $50?”

That’s what Fran Tarkington said …

They found him struggling with his mind, a former officer of Chiang Kai Chek … a former killer, a lover.

They offered him cocaine, whiskey, and pain.

“Fran …”

“Yeah boobs …”

“Yeah … my name is Kathy Lee Crosby …”

“Oh yeah … boobs …”

Kathy never forgot.

She spent years in Europe, learning the sword, co-mingling with blacksmiths …

She built a fine claymore, and found Fran late one night …

“Hey, boobs?”

Drinking snake champagne, we kept seeking after the path to Bogimbulous …

We grabbed snakes by the roadside, and suckled upon their fangs, milked them for their ire …

“YOUR VENOM IS MY BLOOD!”

“YOUR VENOM WILL OPEN THE LAZARUS GATE …”

But demons were tracking them.

Because women sweat too? – there’s Lady Speed Stick Anti-Perspirant …

Because women are chased in the night? – we provide dioxin and aluminum and mercury and other stuff that will fill your heart with nothing but poison for your lovers …

Because you sweat …

Like men …

“Tough like a man, soft like a woman …”

He was going to kill that guy.

A man who had abused him since he was a kid.

He was going to hunt him down, stab him, watch him bleed.

That guy had it coming.

But instead? – he’s having a salad from McDonald’s.

(because it’s fresh all day, and that guy ain’t going anywhere)

IF YOU DRINK COORS EXTRA GOLD YOU’LL STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT SHIT YOU DID IN LAOS.

IF YOU DRINK COORS EXTRA GOLD? – YOU’LL STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT SHIT YOU DID IN EL SALVADOR.

IF YOU DRINK COORS EXTRA GOLD? – YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE CHIPMUNK KINGS OF KAMBATSIA KNOW …

They told the kid, “go jump in the lake”.

They told him “you’ll be famous, here’s some candy, go do it.”

And now?

That he’s older?

He remembers that fear …

The freezing water …

The smiles of Kathy Lee Crosby as he slowly sunk below the water’s surface.

But it’s ok now.

How did they make us so afraid of gingivitis?

They thought his life was a joke, he was broke. They found him alone in the cage. The offered him the old sage wine …

He was Hooperman … Hooperman …

John Ritter found something bad,
John Ritter found something bad,
John Ritter found something bad …

Now he’s dead …

The Haglamite witch came to his village …

She said “come on our show, we’ll give you wine and whiskey and women and angel dust …”

And the man looked at his stale life, his hovel, the turnip garden out back?

He said: “I’ll shove myself into a box for the witch!”

(he did)

He was the man with two heads.

They found him in the corner of China, tied to a wheel, tied to a horse …

They said, “hey man, we’ll take one head … and give you back your life? End all the strife?”

He said yes …

But now it calls to him, from the bio dump, his old head.

At the labor camp, they toss me fish heads.

At the labor camp, they tell me stories.

They say that one day I will live in a condo. Eat pink champagne … I will drink the broth of love from the frog women … and then the demons will let me sleep.

But that dead head calls.

“Mom …”

“Yeah …”

“Where’s dad?”

“Pealing diabetes sores off his feet …”

“Mom …”

“yeah …”

“Can I have some more Shedd’s Spread Country Crock?”

At that moment, looking at her kid … she knew.

She knew that the world she gave her was a diabetic hell hole.

He is Zoorn, she is Kel …

They were poisoned and re-engineered.

They became smart enough to play basketball, the scientist was happy …

Now their children hang out by the dump, waiting for someone to trip, to fall …

Now they wait to destroy their destroyers …

(soon)

“It’s Hazel! the surfing rabbit …”

Back in the 80’s?

During the commercials?

They would show you all these great foods that are going away … one day.

They would show you pictures of vegetables, eggs, cheese, meat …

(just to say “fuck you, you will be eating bugs one day”)

(just fuck you)

And now we wait.

Remember when a guy would blow bubbles, on family TV, with a cigarette?

And Fran would say “but you can try this at home!”

He wanted me to smoke cigarettes …

He wanted me to use PCP.

He wanted me to hunt the slag-folk of inner butt-crack and feed them to lions for gold!

That’s cigarette smoke in a bubble …

(that’s for kids to watch with their parents)

(before they go get the Shedd’s Spread Country Crock out)

(and spread misery on their pain)

Now the show is over …

Now we are all done …

Kathy is crazy and she is feeling eazy …

Fran and I,
we’ll take her out back,
we’ll show her a good time,
we’ll buy her Spanish fly …

The show is over.

Time to say goodbye …

Grab the crack pipe and get high.

Good night

***