Myth of the Sky Hawk Shaman …


Each year, the “laws” are brought to the great Sky Hawk … though the Sky Hawk Shaman is usually selected from disgraced Onion Kings, if there are no disgraced Onion Kings? … well … then whomever wants to “live it up” for a year … and then likely die …. and there are a few of these, every year … one or two.

And they say, “Tangata manu”.

The shaman reviews the “pile of laws” … that are left in a musty cave … on a mountain peak.

The Sky Hawk sifts through these laws, and is allowed to carry these laws, from a rocky peak in the Rocky Mountains, to WA DC. Minimal food, water. The laws are printed on paper. No help. As many of the printed on paper laws, in very large font, as he/she/it/Zed can carry. 16pt font … big margins …

Along the way? – ordinary Americans are allowed to toss one stick of dynamite at him, from a distance of 40 feet. Each town is allowed one thrower, one stick … all say “Tangata Manu”.

If the Sky Hawk Shaman stumbles and falls along the way? – the “watchers” ensuring his dedication to the rite, will toss 100 gallons of gasoline on the body of the Sky Hawk, set him and the “laws” on fire, and there will be NO STATE for another year.

No laws, no state …

You can see where this goes.

The ceremonial garb that the Sky Hawk shaman wears is very flammable, but doesn’t help much with keeping him warm.

He has no shoes.

He must remove his “REI gear” at the top of the peak before the journey begins.

Just some water, gruel, the “laws”, and him. All the way to DC.

The Sky Hawk Shaman is previous Onion King.

The Onion King’s role is to kick ass … specifically, bullies. Only bullies.

The Onion King only stays in power through the unanimous consent of all unicorn masters of level 3-7. Level 8’s have other concerns.

If an Onion King fails?

When the Onion King fails to achieve unanimous consent of the unicorn masters of levels 3-7?

Then the ceremony of Traptis is held, the ancient beer drinkers of Clan X-Ray spread the Tapestry of Blame on the floor. The current King’s name is added. He is now Sky Hawk Shaman.

As Sky Hawk Shaman, he will live in relative exclusion for a year, prior to the next “Go fetch the fucking laws …” ceremony, as previously described.

He will drink, and love, and live, and yacht, and watch Monty Python, and have weed and cocaine and cigarettes and steak.

A few days before the final ceremony?

Before Sky Hawk Shaman must walk or run or scamper his way with 50 pounds of laws from the Rockies all the way to DC with no car and no shoes?

He gets to be with 30 beautiful women, in a giant bed, with free Pagliacci Pizza and beer.

And this is how he prepares for his likely death as Sky Shaman …

Because people gonna kill him on his way.

Or he’ll simply die because it will be so impossible.

And the guardians will cut off his food one week out.

And the knife bringers of freedom will slit his throat.

Thus freedom is maintained.