The “Bone Pool” of Bremerton (WA) …

The “bone pool” is a local legend, first identified by a local raconteur … Jed Clankson (aka Jed MAGA) back in 2004.

He says he got drunk one night, and was led by the great Coyote Spirit to an island near Bremerton …

He says he stripped down and covered himself in whale mucous …

He howled at the bright blood moon, and found the ancient pool of bones, of his ancestors, where it was revealed to him that his real name is “Crooked Owl”, and that Jed was the 32nd Coyote Shaman of the Plumptick Fish Tribe of Bremerton.

No reputable anthropologist from the University of Washington can confirm this … or the existence of the tribe.

Kitsap County’s “Mist Problem”

Some mysterious mist is stealing cats … and eating them.

No one knows why …

A few months ago the U.S. Navy was doing something … something dark and ugly … near San Juan Island …

Ever since then? – there’s this mist that rolls into Kitsap County … and it steals cats … and leaves their carcasses near the Taco Time on 4th Street.

Grug’ing …

“Grug’ing” became popular, among progressives, after the election loss to Trump in 2016. A lot of Democrats went a little crazy … they began shoving produce up their butts, as a strategy for alleviating their despair.

After several months of shoving organic produce, washed and covered in virgin olive oil, up her butt? – Darya Moon of the N. California collective figured out that “washed and peeled potatoes” were best for grug’ing …

This led Darya to open the first holistic grug’ing clinic in Holliston Lake, CA.

Grug’ing consists of the following:

  1. peel and wash uncooked potatoes
  2. dip 3 medium sized potatoes or one large Idaho spud (peeled and washed) into virgin olive oil
  3. shove the potatoes up your butt, until you feel better
  4. then perform multiple yoga moves, with the potato in there … up your butt
  5. and you will feel better about Trump, if you do this for 45 minutes (fully clothed)

Road Line Commissioner

The Road Line Commissioner or County RLC is responsible for driving the county roads, periodically, randomizing routes and checking to see if the painted lines on the roads are clearly visible with low beams on at night … he or she cannot be drunk while doing this.

Also …

The Kitsap County RLC is also responsible for Trash Panda Monitoring

Can’t call them raccoons any longer … got to call them Trash Pandas …

He/she/it/Zed will count the trash pandas in Kitsap county, note their location with a GPS device … record these sightings … using paper …

They take that stack of paper? Recording Trash Panda sightings?

They stick that paper in a burn barrel …

And then they burn it.

Debate 2020: Kitsap County Road Line Commissioner

When: September 30th, 2020, 7-9 PM

Where: Bogimbly’s Old Timer Pub off of Bo-plimptock Street, in Bremerton. Candidates will be phoning into the pub because of the “mist problem” that Kitsap County has … no one likes to talk about it … they will be watching their crops … children … livestock and cats.

Why: Because Kitsap County needs to elect a new Road Line Commissioner. This role is critical to interurban safety and general maintenance and the Canadian geese. This guy (or gal) … this “person” needs to check and make sure the white, red, yellow, and other colored lines are visible, on the road, at night, with low beams on … and they can’t be drunk while doing this.

Sponsored By: The League of Women Drunks, Old Kyle’s Yanckus Ale, The Lodge House Restaurant serving home style coyote …

Rules and Questions: https://dfgtc.org/docs/20200930_Kitsap_RLC_Rules_and_Questions.pdf

Candidates:

Candidate and debate opponent Number 1:

Democrat – Fonseca Collins of Shad Harbor, WA.

Beautiful Shad Harbor … a place best known for being small enough to be easily missed while driving, and easily forgotten once you drive 10 feet outside of town.

Can An Angry Woman Get Ahead? – Gender & Society

Fonseca runs a grug-clinic for local progressives.

She is a former Evergreen State College professor of Lesbian Trib History and Blitch-theater.

She wants to re-invent the RLC role and help to protect Canadian geese … she fears for them … an ancient witch named T’rolya, 67,000 years old … talks to her … whispers shit in her ears about geese … and killing people. But she’s ok …

(ok)

Also … don’t ask her about the “blue tailed kettle sparrow hawk” …. she campaigned to save it from extinction … she campaigned tirelessly for 15 years … starting when she was in college … there is no evidence it ever existed.

Candidate and debate opponent Number 2:

GOP – Jed MAGA (he had his last name changed to MAGA) of Shunk, WA … home of the Fighting Gooey-ducks …

Almost Politically Correct Redneck | Know Your Meme

Jed likes bacon and fireworks and pit bulls and properly registered and licensed NRA certified firearms … he is sometimes contacted by bigfoot … but he thinks it could be Michelle Obama … this happens in his sleep, after drinking heavily … like a case of Elysian “Space Dust” …

He is proud to declare “I don’t even know what school is” … this statement reflects the amount of schooling he’s had.

Jed is an ex-UFC fighter, well known in Bangkok, and he invented a new fighting style called “frook” … a mixture of Brazilian grappling, kung fu, and hill billy style wrestling.

He makes a living carving fake Coastal Salish artifacts, that he sells to the rubes. He says that’s ok … he claims he is 1/200th Salish … ask him about the “bone pool”.

He is haunted by many ghosts …

The Moderator:

Commodore Drex Moore, the Last Known Commodore of the Seaman Freaks of the old Tacoma waterfront … he killed some guys there once … he can never return …

The Seaman Freaks are a crew of jaunty men … and women of poor stature.

Drex plays the piano at Bogimbly’s Old Timer Pub, badly. He was told, last minute, that he’d have to moderate this dread thing … he knows the sea, and women, and gold, and adventure.

Drex has been accused of murder 10 times, zero convictions thus far …

He can tell you of busty adventures with scantily clad women, navigating the waves and wind of the Juan de Fuca Strait …

He was Master Chief on the Princess Marguerite for many years … until the accident in 1997, when all those goddamn Canadians died.

His eyes are bloodshot and yellow …

His heart is shriveled and morose.

He is happy to moderate this debate.