No-Thing-Works …

This was the age of Biden and Trump and miserable fuckers screwing the world …

This was the age of printed money dreams, and cocaine realities.

This was the age of sticking nitrous injectors on Toyota Corollas with 100K miles on them.

This was a time of pus soup, and lice cakes, and slave prisons and all the bogrosian poop folk singing songs of pain.

And shit doesn’t work …

All Say Tangata Manu.

Grumbliak Hordes …

These were the mungis-freaks that survived the first few months of NO-THING-WORKS.

These fuckers formed trog-teams, and like thugs covered in feces hunted all the lumpen proletariat of Ballard and Magnolia …

They fed on rat carcass and lived on eagle grease.

They had crabs too …

Glow-rec: cult of the glowing rectangle …

Before the time of the Sky Hawk Shaman cult, there was the age of No-Thing-Works

For hundreds of years, maybe it was decades, all the cool people were too drunk to know. Any who, for a long ass time nothing worked … tech didn’t get fixed … grumbliak hordes controlled most cities.

Apple iPad mini review: Small but mighty

A the beginning of No-thing-works, there were people who would sit and stare, for days on end, at their smart devices … iPhones … Androids … other crap … tablets … and just stare.

They would stare and sing songs and ask the great Sky-Tangle to give them back their rectangle power … but nothing happened … shocking. And they starved … it was bad.

After many years they descended into a cannibalism cult called “Fuck you, dammit …”

All say TANGATA MANU!

Unicorn Masters … (mainly levels 3-7)

Anyone can be a unicorn master …

Getting to level 3? – proving you can drink one beer AND you can read the Bible without catching fire AND you can provide at least ONE FUCKING PERSON that will say something nice about you. The bar is pretty low. You also have to sign the non-aggression pact, certifying you will do NOTHING to expand the powers of the Onion King … and if you do? – you INSTANTLY play Sky Hawk Shaman.

But here’s the deal though … the version of the ritual of Sky Hawk is much worse for mother fuckers who try to expand the power of the Onion King … they are left on a peak in the Rockies … just underwear … and nothing else. If they are lucky, they make it down the mountain? – each town gets 20 dynamite throwers, 20 sticks of dynamite … and the throwing distance is 10 feet now. If you make it to WA DC? – you still have to swim with sharks … and if you’re still alive? – dynamite is tossed at you until you are dead.

As unicorn master level 3-7? – fuck around, find out …

Once you become level 3? – the other levels kinda just happen … and are not really that meaningful …

Unicorn masters with Onion King voting privileges are responsible for selecting the town’s dynamite throwers, for example – dynamite throwers for the Sky Hawk Shaman ritual.

Bottom line is this … you need to stop stupid statist shit EARLY as a unicorn master levels 3-7 …

As a matter of right? – any unicorn master levels 3-7 can be fed to a grizzly, if a town agrees by unanimous consent.

So just don’t fuck this simple job up …

THIS IS NOT A PAID ROLE!

THERE IS NO DONATION STREAM!

You have to have a day job to do this …

ALSO …

If you get caught taking donations? – grizzly bear lunch …

ALL SAY TANGATA MANU!

The Onion King

The Onion King is the symbolic representation of the state. Successful Onion Kings are lazy, stupid, and do nothing … really … the best Onion Kings? the ones that last the longest? Like “Yorbozoid the Luxurious”? They turned doing nothing into an art form, and simply accepted their voluntary donations … and drank beer … and didn’t fuck with people.

As long as there is an Onion King, there is no ceremony of the Sky Hawk Shaman.

But if an Onion King dies or is rejected by the Unicorn Masters (levels 3-7) then a NEW Onion King must be selected.

The selection is by unanimous consent and voluntary participation – anybody can be Onion King … not a bad gig … as long as you don’t fuck with people …

The selection “week” is broadcast’d live …

People get to watch potential unicorn masters competing, vying, and even swimming with sharks, per Dakuwanga

During this time, the unicorn masters drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes and toss dynamite at the Washington Monument, per the ritual, in the hopes that one day that dread satanic monument might be toppled … after decades of tossing dynamite at it …

ALL SAY TANGATA MANU!

On the final day, a vote is taken, and the winner of the unanimous vote becomes Onion King … until he dies or he fucks up and becomes a dick/bitch.

And, of course, if you SUCK as Onion King? – you will become Sky Hawk Shaman.

What if no Onion King is selected? – glad you fucking asked.

There will be no state, no laws, no nothing …

When there is no Onion King? – once a year, in January, a great festival is held where people get to toss dynamite at the monument on Mt. Rushmore …

This is the Onion King …

All say “tangata manu”.